Sunday, May 10, 2015

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Question for the viewers

What direction should I take this blog in? Should it remain as my journal? Should I pick a topic and write the crud out of it? Should I create a new blog as a more serious outlet and leave this as my journal?

I'd like to hear your thoughts as I'm at a loss here.


Monday, May 4, 2015

Journey to today: birth

Last time I posted, I was still pregnant. Last time I posted, I had been questioning where I was going to be in life. Last time I posted, I was in a much different place.

My little one S was born on August 8 at 11:04pm. 30+ hours of labor, 1 hour of pushing, and a tremendous journey later he was there. I had given birth to my beautiful baby boy. Oh the joy I felt. The rush I had as my boy was born. It easily rivals the day I got married as being one of the best days of my life. Now, my planned home birth didn't go quite as I hoped. I had requested to transfer to the hospital as I felt it was the right move to make. I wanted the epidural to rest. I no longer felt capable of being able to push him out unless I could rest. I had not eaten, slept, or had water. I was done. I at least felt done. At the hospital I face arrogant doctors, forced procedures, screw ups, attempted sabotages to my breastfeeding relationship, and more. I was thrilled to have pushed him out myself, but I was left feeling as a failure. I couldn't do it. I didn't have my home birth. Nothing worse than feeling as if you failed. I suffered post-partum depression. I felt pathetic. I felt inadequate and incapable of being a mother to such a blessing. That was then.

Fast forward almost 9 months to today, May 4, 2015, my views are no longer so harsh. I still feel as if my birth could have been different, but I accept it as something that I needed to do. I needed to see what it was like to go to the hospital. I needed to experience being beaten down, belittled, and made to feel incapable. I needed to see the mistreatment to understand what I am truly capable of. I AM strong. I AM courageous. I AM capable of so much more than what I was told. It takes a strong woman to accept that sometimes you need to take a path that is less desired to benefit those whom you love most. I learned that while the birth didn't go as planned, that is okay. My little one needed me to do what I did to be here. He needed his mother to learn that she is able to do what is best for him regardless of what others say.
It's more than that though. I now am capable of understanding how a woman who has been mistreated by the system and how defeating that feels. If everything had gone according to plan, I would never have been able to support or encourage the women I have into feeling powerful, into feeling that they are in control. Without it, I just wouldn't get it.

What I have faced in the past 11 months is mild by far in comparison to what others have experienced, but it is a start. I learn daily more of this world. The Lord is changing me in ways that I could never have imagined, and I have to say it's amazing.

It's not much, but you now have an update. I just installed the Blogger app, so I may potentiality update more. Or I won't. We shall see, now won't we? There is definitely more to come though, so keep your eyes peeled for updates to my blog (hopefully sooner than a year! )

Peace out.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

INFJ Personality

I took the Meyer-Briggs personality test and got INFJ (Introvert, iNtuition, Feeler, Judging). Only about 1% of people get that combination personality type. One of the descriptions I read goes as follows:

"The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons.
INFJ personalities are drawn toward helping those in need: they may rush to the place of a major disaster, participate in rescue efforts, do charity work, etc. INFJs see this as their duty and their purpose in life. People with this personality type firmly believe that nothing else would help the world as much as getting rid of all the tyrants (though preferably in a non-violent way). Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs.
These tendencies are also strengthened by the fact that INFJ personalities have a unique combination of idealism and decisiveness. This means that their creativity and imagination can be directed toward a specific goal. Few other personality types have this trait, and this is one of the most important reasons why many INFJs are able to eventually realize their dreams and make a lasting positive impact.
INFJs are masters of written communication, with a distinctively smooth and warm language. In addition, the sensitivity of INFJs allows them to connect to others quite easily. Their easy and pleasant communication can often mislead bystanders, who might think that the INFJ is actually a very sociable person.
Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness. Martin Luther King
INFJs should be careful to avoid “overheating” as their zeal and determination can sometimes get out of hand. As Introverts (I), INFJs need to have some “alone time” every once in a while; otherwise their internal energy reserves will get depleted really quickly. If this happens, the INFJ may surprise everybody around them by withdrawing from all their activities for a while, and since other people usually see INFJs as always friendly and sociable, this can leave them both surprised and concerned.
INFJs take great care of other people’s feelings and expect others to return the favor. Unsurprisingly, people with this personality type are very sensitive and vulnerable to conflicts. Even the most rational INFJs may find it quite difficult to not take criticism personally—this is the INFJ’s Achilles’ heel. If someone with an INFJ personality cannot escape the conflict, they will do their best to deal with it head on, but this will result in a lot of stress and may also potentially lead to health problems or highly irrational behavior." (

I can just about completely agree with this. I love people, but I do need time on my own to recharge. It's very odd. People see me as this completely outgoing, but I always tell others I'm shy. Honestly, I just don't always know what to do with people. I love them though. I love to relate and to help. As it says, if I could rid the world of evil I would.

I plan to look this up more. I'm interested in seeing what else I find. :)

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

10,000 Pageviews

I don't post or check up on my blog very often anymore, but I did tonight. In doing so, I realized that I have finally hit over 10,000 pageviews for this blog. 10,027 to be exact. Again, mostly from Russia, but hey, that's okay with me.

It makes me happy that so many people have viewed my blog. It's been up here I believe almost 3 years if not longer, but to see that number just really brings a smile to my face.

To be honest, I am not sure what this all means to me though. Life is very... Tough right now. We're having a son in three months. We found out our rent will go up if we sign a new lease. I'm no longer working after May 16. I'll also potentially be losing leadership in the ministry that I'm in with Intervarsity after this semester. I have no idea where the Lord is leading us, me, right now. I'm lost. Yet... I feel like everything is falling into place whether I choose to see it or not. Isn't that fascinating? Everything that is happening right now is for a purpose, a reason, and it will glorify God in the end. All that is being done is for His will for our lives. It is beautiful and crazy to watch your entire life molding before your very eyes to serve Him. So what do I do with this?

I praise the Lord for allowing this blog to get over 10,000 pageviews. Without Him, none of this would have been possible. It hasn't been the best blog, the most up-kept, or even that fascinating, but it has been a tool to share bits and pieces of my life with the world around me. Everything that is said and done comes back to my relationship with God. Even my obvious screw-ups illustrate something about the power He has in my life. Watching someone go from depressed, suicidal, naive, ignorant, young, and pathetic turn into a beautiful creation is just marvelous. And while I feel that I barely illustrate the things that I just mentioned, I know the Lord can still use what little is here to touch someone out there.

So thank you, everyone, for being here, for reading, following, and keeping up with my crazy life. Even if you were only here for one post to never read again, thank you. You have made a difference. :) I hope that it made some difference in your life too.

With much love and thanks, God bless you all.

La Bella Mariposa

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Names Picked!!!!

We go in on Monday, March 3, 2014 (the day of my 20th birthday) to see our baby for the first time. Isn't that exciting!? I am so nervous to see this baby. Aaaahhh. 

Anyway, we have names picked out finally.
For a girl: Jocelyn Lee
For a boy: Samuel Alberto


Just thought I'd let you guys know. I'll tell you the gender when we find out. ;)


Nothing Can Separate

Romans 8:37-39
"37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I love reading these verses for it reminds me that no matter how badly I screw up, I am forever in the hands of God... It always bothers me though when I have others tell me that you can lose your salvation. Do these verses not say that nothing can separate us from the love of God? There's always the famous "if you commit suicide, you're going to hell." I am thoroughly convinced these people did not read these verses. "neither death nor life... will be able to separate us from the love of God..." Doesn't that mean that NOTHING can separate us? Just because another believer falls away doesn't mean they are doomed to eternal damnation. It is true that a believer has fruits of the spirit. It is true that we are known as believers by our deeds through our faith (Rom. 12). But who in this world is perfect? Instead of JUDGING our fellow believers, why don't we help them? Why don't we try to show them the light again? Why don't we remind them WHY they accepted Christ in the first place?

*sigh* I'm completely heartbroken when someone tells me they want to end their own life. I am hurting when I see another believer turn their back on God. It pains me in ways that I can't explain. It's precious life being wasted, beaten, destroyed by the hands of satan. And yet we feel we have the right to judge their salvation? No! It's between them and God in the end. I am completely convinced that NOTHING can take us away from God. Once we accept Jesus as Lord, that's it. That is EXACTLY what these verses say.

I know some of you may not agree. I know that some of us were raised to believe differently, but frankly, I'm merely stating what the Bible says. What God says. So if we are to truly believe these words, we need to do everything in our ability to help our fellow believers. We are ALL part of the same family. If the Lord didn't spare His chosen people when they rejected Him, why should He spare us when we reject our brothers and sisters in Christ? He will, but He shouldn't.

If you know someone that is hurting, help them. If you know someone that has turned away from God, encourage them. Don't be them over the head, but love them. Remind them why they bothered. Remind them that, no matter what, God still loves them. Sometimes we just need that encouragement to pick ourselves back up again. Be that for someone today.